Friday, February 19, 2010

The Wall

Growing up as an only child in a poor single mom household, I learned to literally fend for myself.  I dressed, fed and taught myself all of my childhood years.  Growing up that way, a young man is either made or broken.  I was not broken.  I was not made.  What I became was an emotional wreck for many years. 

The dominant emotion was anger.  I spent far too much time and energy fighting.  Sometimes with words, sometimes with stubbornness and at the worst times with my hands.  It wasn't until I became a husband and a father that I even started to address the issue and take the necessary steps to correct the problem.  I'm no longer so affected by outside influences.

While my anger is mostly in check, the rest of my emotions are still wild.  I often times don't know what to do with them.  I'm very much like a child still in that regard.  When I'm overwhelmed with emotion, I shut down and put up a wall.  It's a natural self defense mechanism that I can't seem to outgrow or put away.  It sometimes puts undue strain on my relationships because what I experience as calm and pensive, others experience as cold and dismissive. 

One day, I will be over the wall.  I will get there by actively working to open up.  Even when it's uncomfortable, I will push myself to break my own silence.

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